A couple of months ago, around mid November, my friend’s therapist told me to make a list of everything that I wanted from a partner and to read it to myself every day for 21 days.
Why 21 days?
21 days is the time needed for the cells in your body to regenerate and therefore to embody a new mindset.
If you think about it, we tend to see what we focus on in the world. For example, if you are fixated on having a bad nose, you always notice other people’s noses whereas the friend who is a little bit overweight (this would be me) always notices the size of people’s thighs. In the same way, when we subconsciously believe that all single people are unavailable or avoidant, we keep only noticing people who are exactly this and this reinforces our original belief. We are so focused on this that we are likely not to even notice other people exist.
The goal of hypnotherapy in this case was just this, to refocus the brain on something different, better for me, and also to just send this message out there to the universe about what I wanted.
As a total non-believer of anything that I cannot rationally explain or scientifically prove, I thought hypnotherapy would prove to be a useless waste of my time.
That said, I thought, what have I got to loose?
Step 1: write down what you want
Let me share with you what I wrote:
- I want to feel free to express myself fully, with my whole heart.
- I want someone who isn’t scared of my feelings, but who can gather them and hold them and love me for being me.
- I want a safe place that will hold my heart. A place that will accept my heart for what it is today, with all the pain it has been through.
- I want a kind hearted person with the same capability or love I have if not more; someone who is ready lo love heart and soul.
- I want someone who loves all the sides of me, the child, the adult, the sensual woman, the companion, the supporter, the critical being and everything else that may come their way.
- I want someone who is very intelligent, with a quick intelligence, who can follow my thoughts and challenge them to help me develop into someone we both love.
- I want someone who will love me no matter what part of the journey I’m in.
- I want someone who puts us first, who prioritizes our love.
- I want someone who will be excited with me to have children and to build a beautiful life.
- I want someone who steps up at challenging times and tells me everything will be alright and does everything in their power to do this.
- I want someone who loves the same music.
- I want someone who will be my biggest fan.
- I want someone who never makes me feel like an option, like I’m not worth fighting for.
- I want someone loyal.
- I want someone physical in their expression of love.
- I want someone with whom I have a very strong emotional and physical bond.
- I want someone who has goals, wants to build shared ones, will go after them, but also who has an understanding of what life is and is capable of savoring every little moment.
- I want someone who is ready for love.
- I want someone who loves, cherishes and encourages my creative side, someone who believes in me wholeheartedly.
- I want someone who wants a big dream together but will be happy even right here in the ditch of where we are now.
- I want to feel even more free when I am with the person, so connected I don’t have to be on edge and wonder, rather free to express myself to build my business to have self love, to see and support my family as needed.
- I want someone who loves my family as I do.
- I want someone I believe is exceptional.
- I want someone with whom we can be happy.
- I want someone who will stick around and fight through the hard times.
- I want someone who truly knows how to love.
- I want someone who is strongly attracted to me and viceversa.
- I want someone who is elegant, in his manners, in his way of being, and in the way he portrays himself in the world.
- I want a man who ho is strong and sensitive so I can be the woman that I am.
- I want a man who will take care of me as I will of him.
- I want someone who will jump in me in this discovery to get to know each other heart open and fully leaving previous pain behind or tackling it together as it surfaces to build the relationship we always wanted.
- I want someone who is capable of communicating his feelings and is able to listen, empathic and emotionally intelligent.
- I want someone who will be my home and I his in a world of adventure, where we can have fun, learn, always have a growing mentality, where we can hold each others hand and know that well get through anything, and if not, stop there, laugh and enjoy the rain.
I know, my friends. It’s a long list.
Step 2: read your list for 21 days
My therapist said I just had to read a few points every day, so I did. I read a few points every day for 21 days.
If your list is as long as mine, you can split it up in to chunks and you then read one bit of it every single day.
What happened next
I put the theory to the test. For all of us singles.
When my ex ghosted me extensively, in January I matched with a guy on Hinge and we started chatting. To be honest, we started laughing. My strategy on dating apps is to be my weirdest possible self and let the conversation flow. Mainly because that’s who I will likely be in real life in the long run.
I messaged two guys I matched with. In truth, both seemed hot and smart. The first was into BDSM and was writing me messages about how he wanted to humiliate me, tie me up and belt me. Tempting…but also no thanks.
The second was funny, witty and very sweet.
My ex, as they do, came back before I went on any dates and told me he loved me and then proceeded to leave me once again. Just to create a little bit of drama in the middle of something wonderful shaping up I went through this up and down crying for days.
Luckily I decided to pull myself together and go on a date with this stranger.
I arrived at a lovely cocktail bar where he immediately began telling me stories from his life, about his dreams and covered me with his endless positive energy. I sat back and thought, okay, I will have a sip of wine and relax while he does his thing. It was cute. He sat next to me instead of in front of me.
I asked a tough questions. I said: what do you want in life? Not on the professional side, in life.
He told me that he was starting to believe that his dream to have kids and to find a love that would accompany him for life may not actually happen but that, like everyone (clearly he’s not a woman dating in London), that was his greatest wish.
He then asked me to dinner, we went to a beautiful restaurant and right when we walked through the door he looked at me and we kissed. The kiss was just perfect.
I looked at him sitting across the dinner table and told him he was way too far away from me. He came to sit next to me and kissed me all night.
He never pushed to come home with me, in fact, he never even asked. Instead, he took my hand as we ran towards the tube so he wouldn’t miss the last train to Cambridge. We quickly kissed as he was running off and that was it my friends. It has now been 19 days of being truly together.
I have to admit, for the first 18 I was watching for any red signs, but today, for the first time in a long time, I feel love.
Since then we have been to multiple dinners, home and out. Dates talking about every single little of big wish we individually hold. We discuss how we can best integrate both of our dreams, how to merge them.
We went away for weekends, we made love so many times I cannot keep count. We laughed, we had our first argument when I butchered his hair (yes, he let me cut it in the dark and drunk). We had our first make up sex, we went to work together in the tube laughing like kids, we cycled around London.
Last night I pulled up my list. I looked at him in the eyes in front of a glass of wine and I told him that in truth, I had materialized him. I read the list out loud, to him and to me. He checked every single box.
Does hypnosis work?
Let me be brutally honest, I have no freaking clue if this worked of if I was simply lucky, but if you look at my list, it is quite accurate. I didn’t follow people’s advice of writing how tall he should be (or how big it should be), what color his hair should be and details that for me hold very little value. I wrote that I wanted to be extremely attracted to him and to be crazy about the person and vice versa because I knew that the height and the body and the eyes and the hair would fall into place for me to be crazy attracted to him.
Did I wish I had added a few points to my list? Maybe. If I knew how accurately the universe picks the person to send you, if I had believed this actually would have worked, maybe I would have. I’m quite sure he would have matched those points as well.
You have nothing to loose.
Let’s start a Team experiment
Even if just our of curiosity, please make this list.
Share it with us, and in 21 days check in to tell us how it worked out. This way, we will have some statistics on whether this experiment was sheer luck or whether we should be in fact making a list for everything in life.
Happy Valentine’s Day my friends. I wish you, I wish all of us, LOVE.
—
Originally posted on Medium.
Photo by Edgar Chaparro on Unsplash
The post How to Find the Exact Love You Want: Valentine’s Edition appeared first on The Good Men Project.